It took me a minute to figure out what this sudden wave was after it hit me. Today I feel lonely. I feel disappointed in myself, and I feel like I don’t know whom to trust.
My to-do list stares at me with reproach while Switchfoot pours through my headphones, quietly soothing my heart. The internet flickers on and off – it makes me feel better that work would be hard to do even if I did try to do it. Instead I lay sprawled across the quilt over my bed and drink in the stillness of my isolation. The steady beat of the kick drum knocks all my feelings loose, and the tears break out of a place deep within to seep out my eyes.
Today is just one more day. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually I’m taking on a lot. It’s normal to be tired. It’s normal to wear out. Here at this spot is where I get to make choices.
I lie down and let the waves wash over me. I don’t try to hold it back, hopelessly endeavoring to stuff the ocean in a bottle. Instead I submit to the process. I let the emotions flow out in wave after wave, echoing back to the beginning of time. They crash in my ears, lulling me back to a place of rest.
This is transition. It is ok. It’s ok to keep grieving the goodbyes, to decompress from the challenges. I am the first critiquing voice to be silenced. The all-powerful judge who would condemn every misstep, every moment of uncertainty.
Perfectionism is not my friend. No longer my constant companion. Dismissed with my selfishness, my shame, and my failures, to the bottom of an ocean where I will never retrieve it.
The old habits die hard, but I breathe in the new. The trustworthy. Health.
The kick keeps driving as my tears dry to salt on my cheeks. Deep breath. Tomorrow will dawn anew, and I am not alone.
Feels like we’re just waiting, waiting
While our hearts are just breaking, breaking
Feels like we’ve been fighting against the tide
Where the weak are finally strong
Where the righteous right the wrongs
Still looking for a home
In a world where I belong