Beloved

Christmas is a great time to be a single twenty-something.

Not.

It’s like absolutely everyone you know decides to get engaged in the same five days.

Istanbul. Paris. Dallas. Seattle. No city was safe from the scourge of diamond-bearing young men.

I do not begrudge these happy couples anything. I hope this is an amazing season for them, but last year I felt a little differently, even though I tried to rejoice with them.

In 2013 the parade came across my Facebook newsfeed the week preceding Christmas, and I remember falling asleep on the 24^th feeling awful. Not angry but sad and lonely. What had I done to sabotage my romantic life?

I had plenty of suggestions. Blogs, books, sermons, and casual comments from friends: there were plenty of opinions on the reasons for my relationship status (or lack thereof). Maybe my expectations were too high, or perhaps I was too quick to dive into emotional entanglements. I came on too strong, or I could be afraid of commitment. Maybe the problem is that I was not content in my singleness, and the moment I was happy, the right person would come along. It was also possible that I was too happy being single, and didn’t want to be in a relationship enough: if I would just try harder, something would work out.

I was the chief among these wonderers. Why would an intelligent, attractive, Jesus-loving lady advance into her mid-twenties without any prospect of marriage? Getting married had always been part of my plan, and I was by no means intentionally delaying that step. I moved into the New Year hoping I would not spend many more without a significant other.

Then in January I felt God challenge me to focus my affections on Him. He called me to take the opportunity of sharing every moment with Him instead of worrying about the potential suitors in my life or wishing for something I did not have. So I took Him up on the offer.

It was possibly the craziest year of my life, but also certainly one of the best. It was not easy, and I did not magically start loving every minute just because I was trying to make God my number-one go-to guy. There were moments where I saw gains, but to be honest things mostly felt the same. Until July.

Suddenly God reached into my life and the intimacy I had been seeking with Him arrived. He restored my trust in Him, and I started knowing Him in a new way.

As 2014 drew to a close and the engagements started rolling through my newsfeed, I felt different, because I have begun to taste what it is to know God as my beloved. This does not mean that I do not want to get married, or that I never feel envious of those who are in romantic relationships, but over the last year what was an almost constant gaping ache has become a dull fleeting desire.

This year during the week before Christmas, a new thought came to me. It surprised me because it seemed so obvious, yet was so diametrically opposed to the ideas that had plagued me the year before. Maybe I am not single because I have made some fatal dating flaw, or because I am broken. Maybe I am currently single because the God who created me and loves me has ordained it to be so in His perfect plan. Perhaps it is true that He knows every hair on my head and every moment of my life, and He is not concerned that I am going to miss some magic window or lose out on something. He knows what every year will bring and has planned it in detail.

None of these things are to my credit. They are all to His. In His amazing grace and unending love He has reached out to me and we have a relationship. It is available to all of us. We can know the creator of the universe, not only as an idea, but also as a deep and personal friend. Single, married, divorced, widowed, or just plain confused, God is asking all of us to make Him our beloved.

Because I am a friendly, happy, pretty twenty-something, people often ask me if there is some special person in my life. This is a normal question and it does not bother me. If you happen to ask it, I will simply smile and answer “No, not at the moment.”

When I do, please do not tell me that there will be. That you are sure I will find someone. That it is simply a matter of time. Because you do not know.

I would love for that to be case. I think marriage is a great thing. I have a lot of friends that are happily married, and I can see it is a lot of fun. I love kids more than the average person, I have a blast spending time with them, and I would love to pop out a couple of my own at some point (or maybe like a dozen). On that note, I have heard this sex thing isn’t so bad either.

However if none of those things ever happen in my life, I am satisfied. I do not feel my life will be incomplete if they never come to be. It will be different, but it will be full. God is enough to fill my life. What a treasure if He is to be the only beloved I will ever know. What a privilege to journey with Him and learn what it means to be His bride, even if it means foregoing the beautiful earthly example He has given us of that relationship.

If those things come in my life, I will also be satisfied. Not because they fulfill me, but because the God I am in love with now will be the God I am in love with then. Our intimacy will be challenged when 3 a.m. feedings make early morning devotions impossible. When Murray and Tozer are crowded out by Boynton and Seuss. God will still be there every day, teaching me about Himself when I glimpse how Christ has loved us as my husband looks me in the eyes, or when I understand a fraction more of the Father’s heart as I hold my babies.

Or maybe instead I will spend long days traveling the world, reading books, meeting new friends and taking selfies in airports. If it continues to just be me I am resolved to learn humility even without a spouse to prove my need for it, to kill my selfishness without the aid of a demanding child to strip it from me.

Because it will never really be just me. My beloved travels with me, the Holy Spirit is my teacher. My God is with me, and He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Single, married, widowed; God is not waiting on a relationship status to move in my life.

So maybe next time it comes up, don’t reassure me of the “inevitable.” I could die tomorrow or in seventy years, and I could be unmarried either way. We do not know. Instead, assure me of what we do know. If I could be so bold as to give you a suggestion, maybe you could say something like:

“Wow. I am so excited for the incredible adventure God has ahead of you. He has surely planned your steps, and He will surely be with you.”

Because my beloved is enough, and He satisfies my soul. In our world so obsessed with sex, romance, and getting together, you may wonder if I truly believe He will always be enough for me, whatever the future holds.

I do.

The point of all this is not some amazing revelation I have had, but the good news I have experienced. That is why I want to share these thoughts. Just as He has been faithful to me, He will be faithful to you. So be encouraged, and don’t worry too much if you let it slip that I’ll find someone someday.

Statistically speaking, you’re probably right.