Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken.
My victory and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.
O my people, trust in Him at all times. Pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge.
I tried to paraphrase that passage, and I can’t say it any better than it already is. For about a week I’ve been trying to write a post about my goals for the year and other things crowded it out. It was supposed to be confident and fun. It would share a little bit about what’s happening in life, inspire you, maybe even impress you a little bit with all I hope to achieve in the next twelve months. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t find the motivation to write it.
First of all, most of the things in the above paragraph aren’t true. I am not confident. I am terribly insecure. I worry a lot about what other people think of me, and I am plagued by a tiny nagging voice that tells me I’m probably getting everything wrong. The confidence is part of persona I want to project so you will think well of me.
I rarely feel super fun either. Before you correct me, I know: I’m pretty sure a lot of people think I’m a fun person. Good for you! I would like to seem fun. Unfortunately I spend way too much time doing things like thinking about genocide and moving between countries to fall into a lot of fun. I am on a journey of trying to learn how to have fun. It doesn’t come naturally to me.
Or maybe it does. There’s a manic pulsing inside of me that tells me things are necessary, even if they aren’t normal, like passionately dancing and lip-synching alone in my room (it’s embarrassing how arduously I love this activity), or pushing myself to do what seems impossible. I think that might why I could seem “fun.” I want to see incredible, impossible things happen in my life.
This is where the disconnect happens between who I am and who I want to be. As brightly as this fire within me burns for more, I am completely incapable of achieving it. I crash again and again. It usually takes a moment of laying down in total despondency for me to remember to wait quietly upon God.
It’s impossible for me to describe to you what it is for Him to be my foundation. It’s like He completely envelops me and I am safer than ever before. He calms my heart and soothes my wounds. He scoops up my fears from inside of me and holds them in His hands, and then gently asks me if I want to let Him take care of them instead of trying on my own.
Together we pull out the things I want to achieve one by one, and He asks me if those things will be what fulfills me. He holds me close and tells me He is proud of my successes, and then He looks at me and every other thing I could ever have fades away in the beauty of knowing Him. I see how ridiculous it is that I let the same silly idols control my life again and again, and He forgives me and reminds me how I will spend the rest of my life being taught by Him how to do it differently, to worship Him instead of other things.
Ok, I have to admit: here is where the real fun starts. Because when I have confessed, He has forgiven, and my heart is right again, He gives me a scheming look and asks me how many mountains we should move.
Granted, when I say “we” here, it is much in the same context that a young child sits in their parent’s lap and says “we” will drive the car. I’m just along for the ride. However the more often we set out together, the better the trips get. Standing next to Him and watching Him move mountains is the most fun I could have. Then when He gets done I can hear Him ask:
“Do you think that would have gone better if you had just tried it by yourself? Do you miss trying to do things your way?”
I know I’ll forget again, but maybe next time I’ll remember a little more quickly to wait upon Him.
On that note: this year God and I are going to have an incredible year, because He’s really great and we want to have a lot of fun together. We are going to do incredible things. If I know anything about incredible things, it is that they are usually achieved by an incredible amount of work. God is helping me learn to work better and then to trust Him better when I have done what I can.
So next week I’m going to tell you about a couple of the things I am aiming for this year. We’ll see what happens, but I know the only way I’m going to get through anything in 2015 is because my Rock is walking beside me.
*disclaimer: I have never actually visibly seen or audibly heard God. The way God speaks to us as humans is mysterious and often differs from person to person. God created me with a vivid imagination, so with the basis of truth I know from the Bible God helps me use that imagination to experience Him. To avoid mysticism or confusion I want you to know the experiences described above are interactions God has impressed upon my Spirit.