Today I was talking with a friend, and she mentioned how great it was of me to voluntarily write for a communal site with which we’re both involved.
“Honestly,” I replied, “I mostly just do it because it gives me an excuse to write.”
I love writing. I fill up page after page of journals that then fill up closet shelves and storage boxes. I have written posts for at least three different blogs in the last few months. I once wrote a novella in the period of a few weeks just for fun.
Writing is something I am good at naturally. It helps me think. It makes me feel happier and more fulfilled.
So why don’t I write more often?
Why do I have multiple blogpost ideas sitting on my to-do list that have yet to be written? Why do I dream up entire epics that continue to exist nowhere but in my mind? Why do I compose enough songs for a dozen albums yet refrain from letting any of them get further than the notebooks sitting in my room?
This is not an exhaustive list I’m sure, but I thought I would tell on myself and share with you a few of the reasons I don’t write.
Reason 1: I am too busy- aka I am afraid to invest
Life is always full of things that need to get done, but if something matters to me then it’s my job to make it a priority. I waste time doing many things I don’t need to do. I make choices with my time every day. When I say that I am not writing because I am too busy, I am in fact choosing not to spend my time writing. I am choosing not to write.
Reason 2: I am afraid I will not do my best
I avoid the discipline of writing because I am afraid of sitting down and simply crafting empty words. If I commit to writing even when I don’t feel overwhelming inspiration, I fear it will not measure up to things I have written in the past. This is foolish, because obviously, not all of my writing will be my best writing. No one does their best work all the time. Writing is like a muscle, and though my best will not show up every time, with practice my best will get better.
Reason 3: I am afraid I will feed my pride and not my praise
I know God has given me a gift in communicating with others, especially through the written word. I also know I can twist that gift to try and elicit honor or admiration for myself. I am afraid of writing the things I write so people will like me or think I’m cool, or smart, or spiritual.
When I let that fear stop me, I am like the servant who buried their talent in the ground for fear of using it wrongly. As I choose to invest in my talents I will not always do it properly, but someday I hope to hear the words “Well done, good and faithful servant,” and until that day I am responsible for not wasting what I have been given.
Reason 4: I am afraid of being rejected
Perhaps I manage to conquer all of these things: I am disciplined enough to write, and what comes out actually happens to be good. Perhaps I even write it with an attitude of humility, as an act of worship to God. Now I have created something intimate, an act of incarnation where I can’t really see where I end and the Holy Spirit starts. It’s a part of me, birthed from my struggles or my joys, but what if people don’t like it? What if the people I share it with don’t appreciate it? What if they think I’m simply pretentious and preening, or what if they use what I have shared to hurt me where I am vulnerable?
Reason 5: I am afraid
Ok, I cheated. This isn’t really another reason. It’s the only reason. You probably noticed it by now. I don’t write because I am afraid. I am afraid to invest, because it might not be any good. I am afraid because I might not always be perfectly motivated. I’m afraid because people might not like what I make, and by extension not like me.
I am afraid because when I look at the talent God has given me I feel I could be really great. This estimation branches into two fears: that in my pride I could do more damage than I could do good, or that if I give my very best I will discover that I in fact fall short, and I am simply mediocre.
What if I was filled with a different fear? What if I came to the throne of God and I fell on my face before Him in worship? What if I decided to give Him the very best of what I have, my first fruits, and then allowed Him to determine the outcome?
It’s crazy, but right now, as I am writing this, I am discovering these things for the first time. Yes, I already knew I avoid writing sometimes. Yes, I knew it was mostly based out of fear. How do you think I got the idea for this post?
That last paragraph, however, is one of those gifts from the Holy Spirit, where as I write something comes out of my fingers that I never really understood before.
As is what I am about to share: I have thought of another reason why I don’t write.
I don’t write because I am letting Satan have power in my life. If in writing I can honor God, what better thing for His enemy than for me not to write? I already know who puts fear into my life. When I let that fear crowd out my willingness to worship God with my best, I give victory to the wrong side.
I am afraid to write, but I know what casts out fear: perfect love. I have been loved so fiercely, and I will now fight for that love. Be it with a pen, a keyboard, my voice, or whatever other tools God gives me.
I’m sorry for not writing. To some of you, but mostly to the One who planted this need to get the words out inside of me. I’m sorry, and I’d like to make a commitment:
I will write. I will make music and poetry and prose. I will sing my worship from the rooftops even if it is not perfect. I will share stories of God’s goodness even if it makes me vulnerable. I will invest my time even if it looks like it might not pay off. I will keep pushing forward in the areas where I am naturally talented and praying for humility, knowing God is bigger than my pride.
None of it will be perfect, because I am not perfect. Somewhere in those transcendent moments the Holy Spirit and I will make things, and I will present them to God as my act of worship. May He forever receive all glory, honor and praise.
Amen.