In Over My Head

Life.

So full. So complicated. So packed with twists and turns and hard to describe.

There’s a song by Bethel called “In Over My Head.” It’s one of those songs that resonate deeply with me. It was almost a year ago that it came playing through my headphones and I first thought, “Yes! That’s it!”

And further and further my heart moves away from the shore
Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours

Or rather, “Wow, I wish my heart was there, because I identify with the struggle in this song but don’t know if I have it in me to make the declarations it does.”

Then You crash over me and I’ve lost control but I’m free
I’m going under, I’m in over my head

Even so, I whispered, “God, help me say ‘yes.’ Help me trust You.”

Things haven’t gotten easier in the last year. Especially in the last few months, I feel like every time I get comfortable with what I’m doing one more task or challenge gets added to the list.

I’m standing knee-deep, but I’m out where I’ve never been.

Still as I walk out and trust more I realize how shallow the water I’m standing in is. How far must I go before I am immersed in who He is?

I have come to this place in my life
I’m full but I’ve not satisfied

I realize the events and experiences that have brought me to this point are like bricks that were slowly accumulating. Now more are laid on top, consolidating what was there, and laying the foundation for even heavier stones ahead.

Will what is there be strong enough?

Then you crash over me, and that’s where You want me to be
I’m going under, I’m in over my head

I’m reminded on a regular basis that I’m way out of my league. I’m so far beyond the things I am capable of completing on my own. I am reminded daily that I am not enough. I am not smart enough, not quick enough; I don’t have enough character, integrity or wisdom.

Would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in
Let love come teach me who You are again

It forces me to remember, again and again, that I was not created to be a perfect super-human robot. Instead I am created to be dependent. To be weak. A sheep in need of a Shepherd. A child in need of a Father. Creation in the hands of a Creator. It re-paints for me a picture of the faithfulness of Faithfulness, the mercy of Mercy, the love of Love. Characteristics and qualities so interwoven with identity that there is no separating them.

Would you take me back to the place where my heart was only about You
And all I wanted was just to be with You
Come and do whatever You want to

As I step out deeper it reminds me to worship. It confronts me with a difficult choice: to stand still or keep surrendering. These moments are difficult, and sometimes it feels like I’m drowning. But when I look back towards the shore I realize the fact that I have made it this far out is proof that I am not alone, that when the waves crash over me there is an ocean of Grace still waiting to be discovered.

Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head