Some days are tougher than others. Today was one of those.
This weird year is wrapping up, and I’m not sure where we go from here. Ironically, at the end of 2019 I felt like I knew what was ahead. I had plans for the things I wanted to focus on. I was beginning my second trimester of pregnancy, preparing for the next few months in Azerbaijan followed by our baby’s birth in Belgium. I was planning a protracted move that would stretch form June until August – stressful, but the pieces were falling into place. We spent the first few days of the new year wandering around Brussels, catching the last evening of the Christmas market and taking the train south to our prenatal appointments so we could meet our doctor.
We had plenty of plans for 2020. It was going to be a busy year, filled with transition and moving at a breakneck speed.
And then… well, we all know what happened. Ironically, even though I know that almost none of them worked out, I wish I could have the blissful ignorance that crafted such ambitious and complex designs for the year ahead. Now I’m staring at 2021, and even though I may have a better idea of what to expect, I feel at sea.
Our little family of three is in what was always expected to be an in-between season. We hit pause on a few things so we could shift gears and we are settling into life with the new addition. Transitions and in-betweens are always tough. The sense of home can be hard to find. As we try to sketch out what the rest of this season will look like and how we continue to the next I feel a sense of apprehension that there’s another impending disaster waiting to wipe out all of our well-intentioned plans.
It hit me like a ton of bricks today as I was driving, leaving me gasping for air and fighting back tears. There are just moments that the uncertainty and unmet expectations do that. Maybe it has to do with how early my day starts thanks to my five-month-old. Maybe it’s overdue grieving leaking out through the cracks.
One of my favorite neighbors moved this week. This sweet lady greeted me in the parking lot during our first few weeks here. We had several conversations, calling to one another from awkward distances so as to respect each other’s space. She was one of the first people to see my daughter this summer. We hoped to have her over for dinner once COVID was less of a concern. For Christmas I left a poinsettia and a card on her stoop.
Yesterday a U-Haul was parked outside her door, and in the evening, I could see that her porch furniture and plants were missing. I felt sad today that we didn’t have the chance to say goodbye, that one of my few burgeoning relationships here had ended without fanfare.
I went for a walk with our baby girl, and as I carried the stroller out my neighbor was pulling out with her last few boxes. She pulled by our house with her window down. She told me she had bought a house, and she was so happy she had seen me so she could say goodbye. She told me that in the move she didn’t do any Christmas decorating so our poinsettia had come at just the right time.
I’m really thankful we had that little interaction. I went for my walk with my little buddy and breathed in the cool, crisp air. We got Burger King for dinner even though my husband and I are both trying to make healthier choices after the holidays. Because sometimes you just need some zesty sauce on a tough day.
So, if you’re also having a tough time shedding 2020 and moving into 2021, be patient with yourself. And if you’re diving into the new year head-on, please be patient too. I’ll catch up with you soon.